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Soooo... [Nov. 8th, 2012|06:20 pm]
[Current Mood |coldcold]

I swear I forgot I had one of these. Oh well. Life in the NC is grim as usual. I owe a fuckton of student loans which come out of grace period tomorrow. eep. To top that off, even with my master's degree and my qualifications and all of that bullshit, the deep hurting state and local governments have given to schools means no job for me - at least not in my chosen field. Instead, I've been scraping by working $8/hr at a tea store in the mall. The folks I work with are cool and all, but I'd much rather be teaching. At least I'm tutoring now, which is a relief in that it brings in more money than my day job and allows me to teach kindasorta. Sucks when your passion is something no one else values. I'm thrilled with the results of the presidential election, but the local and congressional results have me asking why voters don't give a shit about education? Oh well. At least I'm not deaded.

Disney last week was fun. I got to preview the new Little Mermaid ride and the Beauty and the Beast experience-type thing.  Also got to drink beer from everywhere (hello Singaporean Tiger beer and Hawaiian Pineapple Ale!) and eat a TON of food.  Zack came too.  He rode all the scary rides and coined a new catchphrase: "My organs are bleeding!"  

All in all, it's not a terrible life.  The depression's basically in remission (so to speak), which is good news I suppose.  Now if only they'd stop playing fucking Christmas music at the mall.  
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Feeling Tropical [Jul. 14th, 2011|12:27 am]
It has been ages since I've had something to say and nowhere to put it, hence my sudden return to LJ. I don't know how to put this. I don't want to scare anyone or cause any problems or anything, but I need to vent and maybe for someone to figure it out, so here goes:

Samuel Fucking Pepys.
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(no subject) [Nov. 20th, 2009|05:56 pm]
[Current Location |my spanish room]
[Current Mood |optimisticoptimistic]
[Current Music |the kids watching gods know what next door]

Zack and I have our first anniversary today. Technically we got together a bit sooner and this is my "independence from that other guy" day, but I'm okay with how the man measures time. Any time measured with him is fine by me. It's all strange this stability thing. I'm living in a world right now where nothing is stable except my relationships with people. I've come unstuck from institutions. After next semester, who knows where I'll be? Probably NYC, but that's far from a sure bet. At any rate, the way things are now, my friends and my family and my Zack are all I'm sure I've got. And boy am I ever sure. The kid is getting on a plane in a few hours and flying clear across the ocean in the middle of the semester to spend 8 days in a country where he doesn't speak the language just to see me. Lucky doesn't begin to explain what I am. Here's to the past year (one of the best ones of my life in spite of all the weirdness it brought) and to the years to come!
Danger: poetryCollapse )
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I used to live alone... [Sep. 9th, 2009|05:52 pm]
[Current Location |Hontanares de Eresma]
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]
[Current Music |Bright Eyes, etc.]

It occurs to me how baffling it really ought to be that I'm reclining on a more or less comfortable bed in the suburbs of Segovia.  I ought to have died almost four years ago in a slightly more comfortable bed in eastern Pennsylvania.  I figure by now I ought to be over it.  Four years is a fucking long time, and a lot has happened, but apparently depression is a lot like cancer in that it sticks around, lurking just out of sight, waiting for its opening.   Living here, so far from home and so close to myself, I'm starting to slip.  It's strange to feel the old sinking feeling in new surroundings.  There's something almost thrilling about the novelty of having my guts sucked out in a castle or in a gothic cathedral - some sense of romance, of history that I didn't have the first time around.  It feels about a million times worse, which makes it infinitely worse than I ever thought possible.

That said, the change in scenery hasn't caused much of a change in me.  I still have the same coping mechanisms I used to: lying to all the people who care enough to worry while reaching out to people who don't give a fuck.  I've been thinking all day about trying to get in touch with Luke or Sean or...gods forbid...Andrea.  I don't really want to talk to any of them particularly; it's just how I dealt with these things before.  It's funny how all these years of learning to live again have left me entirely unprepared (and possibly unable) to deal with the very illness that caused me to need the re-education in the first place.  Fucked up, no? 

Since I can't resort to any of the defense mechanisms that worked in the past, I've been thinking about the intervening years and trying to figure out why I'm even able to feel like this.  Was it spending freshman year more or less alone?  Was it the "defining my sexual orientation, falling in love, getting cheated on and lied to, and then denied" fiasco of that summer?  Was it sleeping with Luke winter of sophomore year (was that sophomore year?)?  Was it the disastrous results of dabbling in slavery last year?  The divorce? Anxiety about the future?  The essential Spanishness of my current surroundings?  The sneaking suspicion that I might get my happy ending?   Perhaps it's the disconcerting certainty that I'm not good, just lucky.   Unlike skill, luck eventually runs out.

Speaking of luck, I have a Zack, so the bottom of the bottomless pit is ever so slightly less absent than it might otherwise be.   Still...ouch.
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(no subject) [Jul. 22nd, 2009|01:40 am]
Dexter is awesome.  Zack and I have been squeeing over it.  It doesn't even make me feel crazy that the only characters I like are a cop played by an actual ex cop and two serial killers (one crazier than the other).  Also, there's a sexy English woman in the second season who - like my beloved Zack - has lips so fantastic they have to be on purpose. 

In other news, check the facebook for my potential next crazy purchase: a pair of fucking expensive and extremely cool boots.  Of course, it'll cost all the money I planned to spend before Spain to get these sexy boots of awesome, but I don't plan on spending much anyway.  None of my vacations are going to cost much, so I'm not sure why I feel so guilty spending my money on something I want.  I guess I'm just cheap. 

Finally, it looks like I'm going to try for either Teach for America or other alternative teacher certification programs and wind up earning my MA in education while working for a high-need school in NYC - assuming all goes according to plan.  Of course, it's also possible I'll just go to grad school for English and see what comes after, but getting a decent job sooner rather than later is appealing.
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(no subject) [Jul. 16th, 2009|02:10 am]
General Notice: I'll be in NYC for the weekend.  Feel free to call/text, but be warned that I'm unlikely to answer as I'll be distracted by Frozac Q. Frozackerson, Esq., King of SexyTime, Puns, and FFVII.   ♥♥♣♥

I just realized how odd that is.  Only an idiot like yours truly would go to the center of the universe in order to shut the universe out.  Go me
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So... [Jun. 27th, 2009|01:01 am]
[Current Mood |awakeawake]

I saw my mom's new house today.  No thoughts really.  She's a hyperbitch who has her reasons, I suppose.  Still, I can't help but be primarily loyal to Dad b/c he did nothing wrong (she should have told him about her problems) and because he obviously needs someone but has no one.  Also, he didn't have an affair and spend hundreds of dollars on jewelery for someone other than his spouse. 

Nevertheless, I wish he'd stop with the "don't make the same mistakes I made" speech.  Zack and I are solidly in love and have a plan.  It should work out, and if it doesn't, we're both tough and responsible.  Zack's designated worrier anyway, so I'll leave it to him to freak out, I suppose.  I met his mom and stepdad last weekend.  They're really great.  So's his dad's girlfriend.  His dad, not so much, but still okayish more or less.  I also almost met John Waters but he had a date.  ;_;  Maybe next time.   It means a lot that Zack's people like me and think I make him happy.  It's nice to know it's not all in my head.

In other news, I'm getting pretty good at this cooking thing.  Maybe I'll demonstrate at some point. 

Furthermore, Craig is being hilarious as usual. 

"Actually, I was deported for perkiness."
"It's a penis substitute!"

In conclusion, I'm entirely too sober.  Drinking fun should happen soon.
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(no subject) [Jun. 5th, 2009|01:26 am]
All plans for tomorrow are off, which I'm sure comes as a surprise for those of you who didn't know we had plans for tomorrow.  The worst case scenario is apparently the current reality, and I'm not at liberty to say anything more than that my life is about to suck in ways I never expected. 
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(no subject) [Jun. 1st, 2009|11:55 pm]
Conan is SO amazing on The Tonight Show! OMG!

PS: Here's a happy song.
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(no subject) [May. 27th, 2009|01:30 am]
[Current Mood |nostalgicnostalgic]

it's strange to think the funny little world i used to belong to no longer exists. i wonder what will happen to us all as we scatter? will jim follow hayley? will the ties that we forged be flexible enough to connect us over longer distances, around sharp corners, and in spite of the chaos outside? i admit that place was always in disorder, but ours was a benign chaos. leaving high school was different. i wasn't friends with upperclassmen, and i can't really say i feel nostalgia for that once upon a time in that hell dimension. it's true that the core fell apart and the second core didn't last very long either, but we had one hell of an autumn. in the end it was a good place. i think only a few of us really appreciate how it changed over the past three years. honestly, though the golden age was supposedly two years ago, i think this fall was the best for many of us in the long run. new loves, new complexities, a gradual growing together that allowed us to grow apart - or helped us stay together. ribs and movies, board games and word games, video hijinks, interim bliss...it all feels like a fairy tale. after only a week, reality has driven me so far away from that world that it might as well be a castle in the sky.
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