| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2009|05:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my spanish room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the kids watching gods know what next door | ] |
Zack and I have our first anniversary today. Technically we got together a bit sooner and this is my "independence from that other guy" day, but I'm okay with how the man measures time. Any time measured with him is fine by me. It's all strange this stability thing. I'm living in a world right now where nothing is stable except my relationships with people. I've come unstuck from institutions. After next semester, who knows where I'll be? Probably NYC, but that's far from a sure bet. At any rate, the way things are now, my friends and my family and my Zack are all I'm sure I've got. And boy am I ever sure. The kid is getting on a plane in a few hours and flying clear across the ocean in the middle of the semester to spend 8 days in a country where he doesn't speak the language just to see me. Lucky doesn't begin to explain what I am. Here's to the past year (one of the best ones of my life in spite of all the weirdness it brought) and to the years to come!
( Danger: poetry ) |
|
|
| I used to live alone... |
[Sep. 9th, 2009|05:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Hontanares de Eresma | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Bright Eyes, etc. | ] |
It occurs to me how baffling it really ought to be that I'm reclining on a more or less comfortable bed in the suburbs of Segovia. I ought to have died almost four years ago in a slightly more comfortable bed in eastern Pennsylvania. I figure by now I ought to be over it. Four years is a fucking long time, and a lot has happened, but apparently depression is a lot like cancer in that it sticks around, lurking just out of sight, waiting for its opening. Living here, so far from home and so close to myself, I'm starting to slip. It's strange to feel the old sinking feeling in new surroundings. There's something almost thrilling about the novelty of having my guts sucked out in a castle or in a gothic cathedral - some sense of romance, of history that I didn't have the first time around. It feels about a million times worse, which makes it infinitely worse than I ever thought possible.
That said, the change in scenery hasn't caused much of a change in me. I still have the same coping mechanisms I used to: lying to all the people who care enough to worry while reaching out to people who don't give a fuck. I've been thinking all day about trying to get in touch with Luke or Sean or...gods forbid...Andrea. I don't really want to talk to any of them particularly; it's just how I dealt with these things before. It's funny how all these years of learning to live again have left me entirely unprepared (and possibly unable) to deal with the very illness that caused me to need the re-education in the first place. Fucked up, no?
Since I can't resort to any of the defense mechanisms that worked in the past, I've been thinking about the intervening years and trying to figure out why I'm even able to feel like this. Was it spending freshman year more or less alone? Was it the "defining my sexual orientation, falling in love, getting cheated on and lied to, and then denied" fiasco of that summer? Was it sleeping with Luke winter of sophomore year (was that sophomore year?)? Was it the disastrous results of dabbling in slavery last year? The divorce? Anxiety about the future? The essential Spanishness of my current surroundings? The sneaking suspicion that I might get my happy ending? Perhaps it's the disconcerting certainty that I'm not good, just lucky. Unlike skill, luck eventually runs out.
Speaking of luck, I have a Zack, so the bottom of the bottomless pit is ever so slightly less absent than it might otherwise be. Still...ouch. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 22nd, 2009|01:40 am] |
Dexter is awesome. Zack and I have been squeeing over it. It doesn't even make me feel crazy that the only characters I like are a cop played by an actual ex cop and two serial killers (one crazier than the other). Also, there's a sexy English woman in the second season who - like my beloved Zack - has lips so fantastic they have to be on purpose.
In other news, check the facebook for my potential next crazy purchase: a pair of fucking expensive and extremely cool boots. Of course, it'll cost all the money I planned to spend before Spain to get these sexy boots of awesome, but I don't plan on spending much anyway. None of my vacations are going to cost much, so I'm not sure why I feel so guilty spending my money on something I want. I guess I'm just cheap.
Finally, it looks like I'm going to try for either Teach for America or other alternative teacher certification programs and wind up earning my MA in education while working for a high-need school in NYC - assuming all goes according to plan. Of course, it's also possible I'll just go to grad school for English and see what comes after, but getting a decent job sooner rather than later is appealing. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2009|02:10 am] |
General Notice: I'll be in NYC for the weekend. Feel free to call/text, but be warned that I'm unlikely to answer as I'll be distracted by Frozac Q. Frozackerson, Esq., King of SexyTime, Puns, and FFVII. ♥♥♣♥
I just realized how odd that is. Only an idiot like yours truly would go to the center of the universe in order to shut the universe out. Go me |
|
|
| So... |
[Jun. 27th, 2009|01:01 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
I saw my mom's new house today. No thoughts really. She's a hyperbitch who has her reasons, I suppose. Still, I can't help but be primarily loyal to Dad b/c he did nothing wrong (she should have told him about her problems) and because he obviously needs someone but has no one. Also, he didn't have an affair and spend hundreds of dollars on jewelery for someone other than his spouse.
Nevertheless, I wish he'd stop with the "don't make the same mistakes I made" speech. Zack and I are solidly in love and have a plan. It should work out, and if it doesn't, we're both tough and responsible. Zack's designated worrier anyway, so I'll leave it to him to freak out, I suppose. I met his mom and stepdad last weekend. They're really great. So's his dad's girlfriend. His dad, not so much, but still okayish more or less. I also almost met John Waters but he had a date. ;_; Maybe next time. It means a lot that Zack's people like me and think I make him happy. It's nice to know it's not all in my head.
In other news, I'm getting pretty good at this cooking thing. Maybe I'll demonstrate at some point.
Furthermore, Craig is being hilarious as usual.
"Actually, I was deported for perkiness."
"It's a penis substitute!"
In conclusion, I'm entirely too sober. Drinking fun should happen soon. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2009|01:26 am] |
|
All plans for tomorrow are off, which I'm sure comes as a surprise for those of you who didn't know we had plans for tomorrow. The worst case scenario is apparently the current reality, and I'm not at liberty to say anything more than that my life is about to suck in ways I never expected. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 27th, 2009|01:30 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
it's strange to think the funny little world i used to belong to no longer exists. i wonder what will happen to us all as we scatter? will jim follow hayley? will the ties that we forged be flexible enough to connect us over longer distances, around sharp corners, and in spite of the chaos outside? i admit that place was always in disorder, but ours was a benign chaos. leaving high school was different. i wasn't friends with upperclassmen, and i can't really say i feel nostalgia for that once upon a time in that hell dimension. it's true that the core fell apart and the second core didn't last very long either, but we had one hell of an autumn. in the end it was a good place. i think only a few of us really appreciate how it changed over the past three years. honestly, though the golden age was supposedly two years ago, i think this fall was the best for many of us in the long run. new loves, new complexities, a gradual growing together that allowed us to grow apart - or helped us stay together. ribs and movies, board games and word games, video hijinks, interim bliss...it all feels like a fairy tale. after only a week, reality has driven me so far away from that world that it might as well be a castle in the sky. |
|
|
| Random Fandom Meme |
[May. 17th, 2009|12:54 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | awake | ] |
Pick up to 10 OTPs/ships.
Describe them in less than 15 words.
Have your flist guess the OTP.
(These are in no real order, and I honestly don't expect anyone to get #1, #8, or #9. They're not terribly popular.)
1. Even when they're completely different people, they still manage to fall in love. ROMANTIC!
2. She's way too tall for him, but so's that cross he's always carrying.
3. It seems the only thing she believes in is his dreamtasticness.
4. What could say love better than matching scars?
5. Badass blonds have to stick together - especially when they're stuck in bed.
6. Who wouldn't fall for a racecar driver/helicopter pilot/general master of everything?
7. That blonde's a bitch, man. You should've gone for the purple-haired one with the rack.
8. It's a shame hers is the kiss of death for giant robot pilots. Both were great.
9. It's too bad he can only show his love by dropping her into bottomless pits. ;_;
10. Why so serious, Doc? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Answers later. |
|
|
| Epic Summer Fail |
[May. 4th, 2009|03:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Lafayette | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the raindrops and an X-Files DVD spinning idly in the Playstation | ] |
Guess who's working at a job she doesn't love at $1.50/hour less than she used to make from 9:00 to 5:00 every weekday all summer long?! That's right! And that's in addition to having to complete my Honors thesis work. Oh well. At least I won't have to worry about money for Spain. On the positive side, I won't be sleeping in until noon and feeling guilty, and, as I'm going to be a teacher later in life, I can make sure I work nights somewhere during the summer to make up for the sleeping-in time I'm losing now. Huzzah indeed.
Speaking of the future, I have two more weeks at Lafayette before 8 months of freedom from this miserable hellhole (other than work at the library during the summer, that is). I hope they'll be two really good weeks as they're going to be the last ones spent living with the love of my life for 8 months - which isn't so bad when I remember that when we're finally reunited it'll be for life. Plus I'll be seeing him pretty regularly over the summer - if he knows what's good for him ;P. Anywho, it's nice to know that I'll only be mostly broke during the summer as at least 2/3 of every paycheck has to go toward Spain.
Also, does anyone else think today's weather is absolutely gorgeous? It's so clean and fresh and beautiful the way the raindrops filter through the blossoms. Granted, Lafayette's campus is the most beautiful place within a 15 mile radius or so. |
|
|
| Esos son los dias que me van a definir para siempre. |
[Apr. 25th, 2009|10:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | loved | ] |
I want it written that the past six months of adventure, beauty, novelty, and love (most of all love) will be the ones that define me forever. On such a beautiful spring night as this, I can't help but marvel at the romance (and the Romance) that has hijacked my life and look back in wonder at the colorful autumn and sparkling winter that led me to where I sit now. Soon I'll move on to another chapter, safe in the knowledge that whatever I do and wherever I go from here, this is my life.
Hello, halcyon days! |
|
|
| Did anybody ever find Tom Petty's big toe? |
[Mar. 28th, 2009|07:23 pm] |
This is the world's worst poetry. I particularly love the stanza about world peace. If there's a Chaucer of Cheese, I wonder if I can be the Chaucer of something?
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 17th, 2009|12:00 am] |
Neil Gaiman was fucking amazing on Colbert tonight - as usual. I nearly died.
Furthermore, this is incredibly badass.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 11th, 2009|11:16 pm] |
|
Tengo buenísimas noticias: ¡Voy a España! Recibí la carta de aceptación esta tarde. Soy feliz, por supuesto, pero también tengo miedo de que mi viaje va a arruinar mi relación con Zack. Lo quiere más que puedo decir. Es mi felicidad, mi hogar, mi vida...para mi es todo. Él dice que me esperará, pero me siento dejarlo así. Ahora que recibí la carta, tengo que dejar todo al destino y la suerte. Como dice la canción, qué será, será. |
|
|
| My hair's too sexy for my head... |
[Jan. 16th, 2009|06:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | teh dorm | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  unbelieveably cool | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Voltz on the guitar & The Simpsons on the tele | ] |
Q: What's black and red and badass all over?
A: My hair. It must be seen to be believed - so come see it sometime!
I'm actually concerned that I'm not cool enough to live up to my new do. I'm sure I'll learn to live with the higher expectations. |
|
|
| Shut up, Junpei! |
[Dec. 29th, 2008|11:36 am] |
Shin Megami Tensei Persona 3 FES is almost as amazing as my new red knee socks with skulls. Also, the FLCL box set is apparently going out of print because Broccoli International is folding? Tragedy!
|
|
|
| Holy mother of god! It's Christmas! |
[Dec. 25th, 2008|07:51 pm] |
In descending order of deliciousness, here's this year's traditional post of the xmas haul:
3 Kinder eggs
Lego Batman (PS2)
Second wired controller (PS2) - wireless controllers eat batteries and I hate them
A new 19" HDTV/computer monitor for my dorm (a great idea on my parents' part. The extra space will be MUCH appreciated by Gloriana, who will be occupying it.)
My sister got Chocobo Dungeon and Sam got a train set and the WALL-E game. I'm sure I'll end up playing those as well. This might be my first bookless, dvdless Christmas. To say I'm shocked is an understatement. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
eledriel's journal
bored